Saturday, August 30, 2008

Make it Work

Tim Gunn would host my reality island feeds. Reasons include,
(1) I think he'll keep me motivated with constructive criticism
(2) Together we can design some fabulous sportswear made only from island materials.
(3) I'm pretty certain he is capable of being completely catty once the cameras are off. I'll need someone good to be catty with to survive.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Hosting my island

I don't want any one too swarmy nicey (Julie Chen, I might be talking about you), or too calm and collected (Tom Brokaw, this means you are out)

If Anthony Bourdain wasn't already on the island, he would have been my pick. But, hey, we are busy actually doing our island things, he can't narrate. That would be like asking you to introduce yourself, odd.

I want my host to be kind of catty and sarcastic. I think that Kat Von D would be a good pick, but after some thought I am going with Gwen Stefani.

I have no idea if she has any hosting skills at all, but dude, she would be so fun to hang out with.
She had better not be nice though...
I do have to tell you, it was hard to figure out which Gwen was coming - Marilyn style Gwen or Ska style Gwen.
I think she will be allowed to change with her mood. When Metallica is playing on the island, she will go Ska style. When we are more low key, she will bust out some classy shit.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Talking Heads: Quick Response

1. I need a voice of reason, someone who I can really trust; enter Alfred Pennyworth [Michael Caine]. He is the obvious choice to keep both Batman and myself on the straight and narrow. Since Batman/Bruce Wayne [Christian Bale] will already be spooning with me, Alfred won't even have to quit his day job. Yes, I may ask for a martini now and again, but ideally I'll be looking for words of wisdom via flashback-type dream sequences. I'll remember back to a time in which he advised, "it is best not to cry until the milk is actually spilled" and I'll immediately know the right path to take.

2. Stacey and Clinton! Every season (yes my tropical paradise has four of them, though all rather similar) these two will storm the island, put me in the 360 degree mirror and make me throw away all my grass skirts. In exchange, I'll get a new wardrobe based on rules set by their fashion prowess and witty banter. Based on their teachings, I can instruct fellow castaways in proper coconut bra and loincloth technique.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Talking Heads

Sure, our islands are being populated in 1's, 3's, and 5's with our hearts greatest desires. But that doesn't mean we're not going to be faced with a multitude of challenging situations of both moral and strategic nature. As such we'll need advice from time to time. Years of mediocre TV teach us that this most often comes in the form of voices that only the leading character (that's you!) can hear. Not only can you choose the 2 voices you wish to be advised by; you also get to choose the method by which they communicate. Why 2? Because it's our first even number, and too much advice is annoying.

1. The Professor from Gilligan's Island: Gadgets. I love 'em, and I won't be able to build them on my own. The Professor's expertise in working with bamboo, coconut, and vine will be invaluable during our construction of bunk beds, ipods, island themed stemware, and a dishwasher. The Professor will appear to me as a disembodied head over my left shoulder letting him observe construction and offer advice as needed.

2. Benjamin Franklin: Franklin will be able to provide advice on all manner of things. What's the best way to go about starting a library? Do I need to install a lightning rod? How can I get Heidi and Gabrielle to stop bickering? I'll expect witty, prescient answers to all of these and more. Big Ben will appear to me in the night sky à la The Lion King, which will be dramatic and slightly scary.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Host of the Gross

Once Katie snapped up Cat Deeley my choice became obvious. Seacrest is too much of a little bitch and while he might be fun to have around to beat up every once in a while I don't really want him on my island. It was hard to pass up Layla Kayleigh and her mixed African, European, and Middle Eastern background, but I really just wouldn't be able to handle that name every day for the rest of my life. And that leaves Joe Rogan. He's not hot or British but I do look forward to him egging us on to new and more exciting heights. I expect he'll drink most of my Coors Light, hit on my women, and spout a fair amount of his conspiracy theories; I'm OK with that as long as it means we get good pre- and post- beach volleyball interviews.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Host with the Most

CHALLENGE: Which television/radio personality are you bringing to commentate your desert island reality? This person will serve as both a companion and a mediator between you and your world-wide audience.

My pick: Cat Deeley

We share a common passion for dance (we would awkwardly do it while talking about our favorite contestants/routines on So You Think You Can Dance), she is an English disc jockey so she'd be amazing at Musical Catchphrase, and her kind nature and warm sense of humor would be exceptionally welcome on my island. I really want to french braid her great hair, too.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

I was born too late. You were born too soon.

Choosing celebrity sex partners is tough when you're into fatties.

1. Will Arnett. I'm sorry to break up the happy thing he has with Amy Poehler. BUT. He's my number one now. I think I fell for him during his guest appearance on 30 Rock as a gay man. I just know he's a cuddler. A touch bashful. And hilarious. Do I have to pick two more?

2. Chris Brown. I think it's the eyebrows. Soon everyone on my island will be doing backflips. And sideflips. I hope it's not a problem that he's currently dating Whitney's sex partner, Rihanna. He's so pretty.

3. Jeremy Piven. My internet research just proved he's had some kind of hair surgery. He was much balder at some point. And this is a little risky because he's such an ass on Entourage. Whatever. I think I can fatten him up nicely.

I had other picks, but I decided I deserve decently energetic sex for a few more decades, and they were too old. Otherwise, I would have packed:
1. Chevy Chase, Caddy Shack years. I see Jeremy Piven as a younger version of him. I often get them confused.
2. Paul Newman. I did bring his salad dressing, so that's something.
3. Marlon Brando, circa Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
4. Burt Reynolds in short swim trunks. An excellent reading voice, plenty of chest hair, and one hell of a mustache. Why the hell not? I bet I can sneak him in on another list.
I could go on.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Rackets, not Rings

I thought for a while about choosing the Olympics for my event, mainly because of the variety you'd get. I wasn't completely sure if I had to make a choice between the summer and winter games, but if so, I'd obviously go for summer (even though this would mean missing Joanna's future appearances in the biathlon). Then I decided this was lame, and I didn't want to wait 4 years between installments. But then I couldn't think of anything better. Until I thought of Wimbledon, which I do think is better. It's yearly, lasts for a fortnight, and for some reason I really enjoy watching tennis.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Narrow it down to three? I once tried during a blizzard-y 2.5 hour ride from Madison to a Joanne Fabrics in the greater Milwaukee area and couldn't do it; but I'll try for the sake of my first Desert Island Post.

1. Departed DiCaprio: I love all DiCaprios (even the one in the one in the Iron Mask) but there is no one (and I repeat) no one I'd rather share a hammock with that this very specific Leonardo. Already scruffy, no family -- he'd have only me to share his demons with. We could comfort one another in our time of need (and our time of sexy).

2. Christian Bale: Sweet baby batman I love this guy. He could make friends with all the actual bats on the island (you know, the millions that will swoop out of the very cave you want to get down and dirty in) and train them to find all the leftover Dharma Initiative candy bars, bookshelves, and VW Buses.

3. Taylor Kitsch: So predictable, I know. A Tim Riggins addiction does not just disappear overnight. After watching a few episodes of Intervention this evening, I realized I'm a prime candidate to find friends and family pleading with me to seek help or they'll cut me out of their lives. I can't help it. He wouldn't need to worry about washing his hair, he'd probably bring booze, and we can play catch on the beach. He's definitely not going to college in season 3 of FNL so it's not like I'd be interrupting any of his other plans.

I guess I picked three characters instead of three actual men -- sorry. As far as real humans are concerned, here are two skilled humans ready for sexy time:

1. Michael Phelps - best swimmer EVER.
2. Ozzy Lusth - best Survivor EVER.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


This is difficult...what music am I never going to get tired of? Can I cheat and not choose Chris Isaak because he's already on my island?

Choice #1: Ryan Adams, Gold. I could listen to this album forever. It's just great ambiance music. I think Ryan Adams is an asshole, but he does make damn fine music.

Choice #2: Brian Setzer Orchestra, The Dirty Boogie. I need something upbeat and fun.

Choice #3: Most difficult choice - do I go with dance/pop music or rock? These days I feel like I tend to put on dance/pop music more often in the car to get me going and pep me up...but deep down my heart strings are tied to 80s hair band fake metal rock n' roll. So I choose Bon Jovi, Cross Roads.

Yes, I cheated. Chris is on my island and I will utilize his talent for more music...better yet, live music. Plus, NO WAY I could possibly choose just ONE Chris Isaak album to bring with.

I heart football

I didn't really have a tough time with this one... If I could only get one event sent to me to watch it would be the Superbowl.

I love football and it is one of the key reasons that I love fall. mmmm, chili, sweaters, raking and football.

I grew up with my mother watching the Bears and yelling at the TV. You will find me now yelling at the Packers in my own living room.

When the Packers lost last season to the Giants I wandered about all day Monday with my heart dented. It was so sad.
The good news is that I love to watch all teams play football and the Superbowl is entertaining from beginning to end.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

sexy time - or, how I never fucked anyone besides these three men for the rest of my life

***addendum below***

WB and I have discussed the criteria for this topic in great detail. I started out on the same train of thought as Darcy:
what other tasks can these men bring to my island? Who cares about the sex?
But, then, I was converted to the camp of:
This is important, these are the last three men I am ever going to sleep with.
I also think there is a minimum expectation of sleeping with these men once per month. If they provide additional services, cool, but the primary expectation is sex.

1) Anthony Bourdain - a world class chef who has a show on the Travel Channel, No Reservations. Every time it comes on I get squishy inside.
Here is a video of him slamming TV chefs:

you can tell from his sarcasm and biting wit why we would get along. He would also be in charge of cooking on the island.

2) Bear Grylls - the host of Man vs Wild. Was involved in some controversy regarding whether he stayed in a Motel 6 during filming for one of the shows. The truth, whatever it is, doesn't take away from his sexyness or the fact that he was the youngest person to ever reach the summit of Everest.
Bear will be in charge of boar defense and hunting on the island.

I fear that Bear will be a bit too intense for me all the time. I like intensity, just an equal amount of downtime. So, my number 3 is going to be someone a bit more laid back. I don't know who he is yet though. I need to think on it.
Addendum- I finally picked number 3!!!
here is what was going through my head while choosing - I like a sexy voice... I like good kissers... I am not against a good dancer... I want someone who will have some chill time with me... I don't like anyone that is too pretty...

Then I was watching SNL the other night and there he was - my third guy is Usher...

honorable mentions:
1) Rick - but everyone agreed that people we know in real life aren't allowed.
2) LT of the Chargers - hard worker, nice guy, what a cutie - didn't make it because I don't want one of those ex-football cripples on my island, that sport is tough on their bodies
3) Matt Lauer - mmmm. cute, intelligent and a good dad.

Be boppin round the island...

My choices for music were dictated by the following, in order:

1) albums that I wouldn't get sick of -they had to have stood the test of time already - no need to take a chance on some new CD that I am listening to a lot..
2) the mood that they generate or soothe in me - I needed a variety as there will be good times and bad on the island.
The choices:
1) Tom Petty Wildflowers - this can be the default playlist.
For all the angry times. Why am I on this god-forsaken island?!? Why won't my sexytime men stop talking and build me a better hut? Metallica's S&M album.
Special note: some people are angry at Metallica. I won't have to deal with those people on my island.

And for all the other times - Carole King's Tapestry.

Albums that almost made it and I would like to give a special shout out to:
a) Dixie Chicks -Taking the Long Way
b) Mary Chapin Carpenter - Come On Come On
c) Eagles - Greatest Hits I
d) Morphine - pretty much any CD although Cure For Pain and Like Swimming are probably the best choices
e) Pixies - Wave of Mutiliation (Greatest Hits)
f) Prince - The Hits
g) Garth Brooks - The Hits
h) Bob Seger and Silver Bullet Band - Greatest Hits
I don't think that Greatest Hits CDs are cheating at all.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Main Event...

This took me quite a while. On one hand, I didn't want to qualify my choice. If I would have, my choice was going to be Game 7, World Series, Wrigley Field. Cubs win the World Series. Followed by me crying for about a week, in a drunken, elated stupor. But that's probably against the rules.

For someone who watches a lot of movies, and will actually be studying film for the next 2+ years, it may be odd that I refuse to watch the Oscars. I just don't care for them. They rarely nominate the best performances/films, and I couldn't care less about the fashion. Plus I absolutely hate Ryan Seacrest and Joan Rivers. There are also the MTV Movie/Video awards and the Grammys, but I haven't watched those in years, as they grew increasingly boring and became extended promotions for a new film starring Will Smith.

That said, my choice is the....

The World Cup
Anything that invites drunken hooliganism is my kind of party. I don't even watch soccer, and haven't played since grade school gym class. (Although Whitney, myself, his brother and a few others did watch the last final, and agreed to do a new shot for every goal. It ended 1-1, which was disappointing, but then we decided to extended the rule into penalty kicks. And that went to something like 9-8. It was a rough Sunday.)

Plus you'd meet so many people, and catch a glimpse of many cultures, without having endure shitty bus-rides or food you're not sure is actually dead. In addition, I could pick a team (not the US), and learn their cheers, and befriend their hooligans, and maybe get adopted. I'd be the token American. How often does that happen?!Maybe Paraguay will have me!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Please Don't Stop the Music.

This has been my hardest category to date. By far the hardest category. So I'm going to talk about my difficulties a little bit before I make any choices.

First of all, I can't really wrap my head around only hearing 3 things for the rest of my life. For some reason picking the only 3 spices I'm going to eat for the rest of my life, or the only 5 kinds of beer, or anything else we've decided on here were approachable problems. I could think about them, and then come to a conclusion. And usually feel really good about my decisions. Not with this music deal. I can't even think of a reasonable place to start. My only consolation is that Rihanna will be there to take requests.

Secondly, it seems obvious that your best bet is to be choosing albums here. You want to be getting as many songs as possible right? Well, I don't really know my albums. I somehow managed to skip the entire CD age growing up continueing to use a walkman throughout high school. My collection of tapes was made up mainly of classical music copied from my parents record and CD collection, the muppets, and a random assortment of things taped off the radio. So by senior year when most of my friends had amassed huge CD collections that they schlepped around with them wherever they went, I had a pile of bootleg tapes that I keep in the Blue Minivan. Then I went to college in the fall of 1999 just as Napster broke onto the scene. Later, when Napster started falling apart, Rochester had the cif server. It was run by the Computer Interest Floor and was only accessible from an IP address of the subset of upstate NY/New England Universities that had been connected to each other via fiber optic cables. These were the glory days of file sharing, and I built my musical collection accordingly. Song by song.

Lastly, there just seems to be so much more riding on this than our other categories. I can say confidently that I will never tire of eating pepper on my island, or drinking Spotted Cow. But as much as I love it right now, I just don't feel comfortable claiming that 5 years down the road I'll still want to listen to 'Shut Up and Let Me Go' by The Ting Tings on a regular basis.

OK, I feel better now. The Music:
1. Canciones de Mi Padre - Linda Ronstadt
That's right, Linda Ronstadt. Linda Ronstadt doing mariachi. This was the go-to album for parties at The Barnebey House between roughly 1987 and 2006. I grew up associating it with good times; it needs to be on my island. I will enjoy this over Negra Modelo's with Rihanna. In the later years of our life we will compose a set of songs inspired by this album.

2. Trouble in Mind - Hayes Carll
I may be running into the same trap as Joanna with her Bon Iver pick here. It's new, but I really feel like it's going to stand the test of time. It's country-ish with a good amount of twang and some rock influences thrown in for good measure. I can't wait to listen to this while lying on the beach drinking Coors Lights. I assume that Gabrielle Reese will be into Hayes Carll although I'm not sure exactly why I feel that way.

3. ABBA - Gold: Greatest Hits - ABBA
I debated my 3rd album for a long time. Finally accepting that on a desert island there would be no need to be hip and trendy with my music choices, I decided I needed something outright fun. And something that Heidi would get really excited about. Hello ABBA. And you can't deny that this album is just fun.

Thursday, June 19, 2008


1. The Tragically Hip - Yer Favourites. I know, lame because it's a greatest hits album with 37 tracks, but most of the good stuff is in there (except my favorite live versions). I don't listen to The Hip very often anymore but I've seen them maybe ten times and when I need a fix, nothing else will do. I tried but I couldn't not bring it.

2. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago. Risky because I've only had this album for a few months but I can't seem to shake it. Appropriate because Justin Vernon supposedly wrote it while isolated in a snowy cabin in Northern Wisconsin. And so far I'm the only one here. I really need to nail down my sexy time picks.

3. Blood, Sweat & Tears - And When I Die. Just this one song beat out Neil Diamond - His Twelve Greatest Hits. That's powerful. I have a thing for dramatic tempo swings. On my island, it's what we play when we push the sick and elderly down river in a canoe without provisions.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


1. The Dears: Gang of Losers
The Dears are from Montreal and this album is fantastic. Their lead singer, Murray Lightburn, has an amazing voice. He is married to one of the band members, who has white hair. That makes her a little punk in my eyes, which is awesome. I have yet to see them in concert, but they are on my list. My favorites are track 2: Ticket to Immortality and track 10: Ballad of Human Kindness

2. Sufjan Stevens: Come on Feel the Illinoise!!

I recently learned that his name is pronounced even more strangely than I could have imagined. He has quite ambitious project, which is making albums for every state. At this point he only has two, but both are quite good. His brother, Marzuki, is a pretty good marathon runner. I love the instrumentals in this album and his song about John Wayne Gacy. I could listen to it at any time. It is good for the island.

3. Kings of Convenience: Riot on an Empty Street

They are from Norway. They are chill. Their albums are chill. I have them all. My favorite song on this album is: Love is No Big Truth. It is great to drive or study to, but I think it would also be good music to make coconut bras to.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Main Event

On your island, you get to know the outcome(s) and see coverage of one event (they'll mail you the DVD via Netflix). You can have all the pre-event coverage, event coverage, and post-event coverage. This does not mean that you get to watch the entire Football season if you choose the Superbowl - but it does mean that you get all the pregame coverage and analysis and post game celebration.

Feel free to choose an event that's not annual - up to you.

I choose the Oscars, including the red carpet. I considered the Golden Globes so I could know what's funny on TV, but the show itself is not nearly as entertaining. The Oscars are - plus, all the up-and-comings are there presenting awards. Mostly, I just love the gowns and the snotty comments from those who could never pull them off.

Monday, June 9, 2008

My Jams

1: Silent Steeples, by Dispatch.
(With the version of 'Questioned Apocalypse' from disc 2 of their 'Gut the Van' album substituted for the one on this album.)
Dispatch is probably my favorite band of all time. This album has been in regular rotation since it came out in 2000. I listened to this album through Australia and most of Europe. Every song reminds me of at least one person important in my life in one way or another. It has some quicker songs (Flying Horses, Questioned Apocalypse) some instrumental (Season; Movement 3, Walk With You) and some live (Elias, Other Side, Craze). Songs that are great to belt out with feeling.

2: As the Eternal Cowboy, by Against Me!
T.S.R. (This Shit Rules) is one of the greatest first songs in the history of time. So much so that I believe it is the ringtone that plays when I call Sugar Bear. I don't think I need to talk this one up as I'm sure anybody that has ever met Tommy has probably heard it all already. I would also be able to trade this album back and forth with Tommy for his Bright Eyes album which very likely would have been in my top three had in not made his.

3. Live and Direct: Acoustic Roots, by Slightly Stoopid
This is my go-to snowboarding music. It perfectly compliments being in nature. Slightly Stoopid usually plays harder electric guitar type music but for this album they unplugged the axes and sing quasi-rasta music. I find it very soothing; it would most definitely be the background music for hammock naps and sunset walks with my sexy time three. It also contains island appropriate lyrics such as:

But when the sun is shining
But when the weather is sweet
You've got to get up off the floor
And move your dancin' feet

The icing on the cake is their acoustic cover of Guns ‘N Roses 'I Used to Love Her'. As this photo indicates, I was pretty upset when this disc didn’t make the journey from Dubai to Rome unscathed. (Yes, that is my sad face.)

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


3 pieces of music. As specific as you want. A favorite song, album, box set, or even ringtone. It's up to you. But only 3.

1. My vinyl copy of Pinkerton, by Weezer
I hope we won't have to create an entry that will justify my record player making it to the island. (Please.) But not to sound like a snob, vinyl sounds better. It just does. If you're close enough, it sounds like you and the music are in the same room. Anyways, this to me, is hands down the greatest album of all time. (everything else is just jostling for spaces #2-100.) It really doesn't sound like anything modern pop/rock. It's an extreme look into the psyche of a sexually frustrated, mid-twenties Harvard student/pop genius. Songs about being tired of sex ("Tired of Sex"), being in love with a lesbian ("Pink Triangle"), wanting to break out of the monotony of getting older ("The Good Life"). It's really perfect. Plus it has "Across the Sea", which is a song to a Japanese girl that wrote Rivers a love letter and contains the chorus:

Why are you so far away from me?/I need help and you're way across the sea/I could never touch you - I think it would be wrong/I've got your letter/you've got my song.

Which would resonate with the whole being-stranded-on-the-island thing.

2. "Tupelo Honey", by Van Morrison
A really great romantic song for the ladies and me. It's long and has multiple tempos, so we wouldn't get sick of it for awhile. And when the line, "You can take all the tea in China, and throw it out into the deep blue sea" comes up, Natalie, Kristen, Rosario, and I would have a group hug/cuddle, and thank our lucky stars that even though we're alone, we do have each other.

3. I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning, by Bright Eyes
I can't see myself ever getting tired of this album. The songs are laid-back, perfect for the island experience. Plus, they're not too complicated, so if on a future post, I choose to bring a guitar, I may be able to actually play these songs, and thus continue to woo my ladies. In addition, there's a song titled "Land Locked Blues", which, you know, would be kind of ironic.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Seven Random Things

I've been trying to think of a good new topic for a while...I'm not sure I can handle this kind of pressure. Anyhoo, you can bring with you seven random things from your home with you to the island, what are you bringing?

1. Farquaad and Fiona.

2. My green polka dotted bicycle. I'm not sure where on the island I'll be able to ride it - I may have to get one of the sexytime trio to build me something.

3. The framed black and white photo of me and my two sisters that my best friend took in 1997.

4. The framed sepia photo of my parents from Thanksgiving 2003.

5. The Red Tent - a book by Anita Diamant. I think this is the best book I've ever read.

6. My Christmas tree, fully decorated. I'm not sure the lights will work, but I'll figure it out. I keep it up all year round at home, and I think it will look great on my island.

7. My brown, red, and white dangly hippy looking earrings. My favorite. They don't go with much, but they'll look great on the island. Plus I love the dangly.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


Apparently, I don't think about sex enough. I had a hard time with this one, for two reasons.
  1. I cannot buy into the school of thought that I should pick my three based primarily on sex, rather than what other qualities these men can bring to my island. I'm with Loud: if I knew who was that good in bed, I'd probably already be sleeping with him. I hold as an eternal truth that many times the amazing looks are accompanied by an amazing ego that produces a self-involved, lazy partner, which of course leads to less-than-sexy sexytime. So, just picking some hot guys doesn't work for me.

  2. I am potentially quite unobservant and/or asexual, as I would be hard-pressed to name five men in the public eye that make me woozy via their hotness. I don't follow sports or movies or music or TV that closely, nor do I read magazines that have pictures of pretty people, so I guess I'm just short on material. I prefer intermittent crushes on our building's handyman and the weird guy at the Thai place.
So, I approached this category by waiting until three somewhat attractive men crossed my field of attention who were both somewhat attractive and who would bring many other offerings to our island society. Four short weeks later, this is what I came up with:

1. Doug Fine. Who is Doug? Author, Journalist, Adventurer, Goat-Herder, per his website. He was an international reporter, working for NPR and others, before he decided to give it all up and try to live off the grid on a ranch in New Mexico. Through this, he's learned how to build stuff, raise and preserve food, tend goats, and many other useful-for-survival skills that will greatly enhance our island infrastructure. Then, he wrote a book about it. Kind of sounds like my dream life; therefore, I'm already partially in love with the man. Doug may not be the best-looking out of the crew, but I have a feeling we will have so much in common that we will keep each other entertained for hours. I'm going to get my hands on his book as soon as the library has it. If you know me at all, you probably know how I feel about goats. Doug, you had me at "goat-herder."

2. Lenny Kravitz.

I require someone who can play music on my island. Two years in Nowhere, Bolivia taught me the incalcuable value of living with someone who can pick up an instrument and learn or invent a song on the spot. Priceless. My first thought was Ben Harper, as I like his music, find him attractive, and heard he's a good dad (also key for corraling the inevitable island babies after the prophylactics run out). However, Darcy beat me to it. Lenny is a runner-up. I don't like his music nearly as well. In fact, the songs I've heard from his current album are cheesy, electric guitar crap. But, I like some of his old stuff, and he will only have access to acoustics on the island. He has amazing abs and bone structure. Our children will be beautiful. Also, as playing with hair is one of my favorite pastimes, I will enjoy having several different textures of man-hair to aimlessly caress as we wile away time on my island. Since Trinidad, I'm a very big fan of a good 'fro. Lenny can rock the 'fro, and maybe he can advise me if I decide to throw in the personal hygiene towel and go for white girl dreads. In addition, he was profiled in the June/July issue of Plenty magazine. He has a 1,000-acre, completely self-sufficient organic farm in Brazil and defined the Topic that occupies way too much of his brain as "Finding a wife." Lenny, I'm there for you, babe.

3. George Clooney.

Old. Boring. Actor of questionable abilities. Complete cop-out. I know. He's middle-aged and dating a Vegas cocktail waitress (last I heard?). I think he will be bored silly on the island, and I have no idea if he can add any useful skills to our little family. Doesn't sound like the best choice. However, I had a crush on him when we used to watch ER on Thursday nights in college. I need to bring something of sentimental value to the island. In addition, he has fabulous hair that I will enjoy running my fingers through, and maybe he can offer me some pole-dancing (palm-tree-dancing?) pointers he's picked up from his girlfriend. I don't mind a few grays, George.

Monday, May 12, 2008


As there hasn’t been any activity here since my momentous desert island clothes post, I figured I’d get things rolling again. Here is what I’m sure is my long-awaited sexytime three:

1. Nicole Scherzinger (a.k.a lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls) – This woman makes my brain turn off. I’m not alone. I recall on several occasions being on the dance floor in the basement of Madisons, where they show music vids on the screens, and having every guy in the place stop what he was doing to watch her when a Pussycat Dolls video would come on. Nicole looks like she may be a bit mean, but that for some reason makes her even more appealing. Perhaps we could have a lot of angry sex. With her sexiness, a body that defies the laws of physics, and extremely seductive dark looks, this girl could rock my desert island anytime. For a more in depth look at her ridiculosity, see videos: Buttons, Come to Me.

2. Elisha Cuthbert – Another girl with a huge X-factor, after seeing her in the Girl Next Door, Love Actually, Old School, and this Weezer music video, I would love to extend an offer for her to be on my island. Not only does she have an awesome bod, but Elisha has the most mesmerizing eyes, and I could stare into them as the sun goes down. I also bet that she is a lot nicer than Nicole, so that would make for a nice balance. I could have happy sex with Elisha.

3. Salma Hayek (circa 10 years ago) – Definite high school crush here. She’s a bit out of the age range right now for reckless rollicking on a desert island, but 10 years ago, damn! Salma could lull me to sleep in my mother-tongue. With curves absolutely everywhere in an amazing way, the latin fire, and a hidden intellect and artistic zeal (as evidenced by her pet project Frida), we could have amazing conversations, and then passionate sex.

Honorable mentions:

1. The Portman – Natalie is definite girlfriend material, and I wouldn’t want any drama or jealousy from my polyamourousness on the desert island to get in the way of what may be a great relationship when I untie the yacht that Jay-Z lent me to take the trip back to civilization.

2. Shakira – Man this girl can dance, and is sexy as hell. But, when she says “suerte que mis pechos sean pequeños, asi que no los confundas con montañas” in Suerte, yeah, that’s an issue. I also liked her more with dark hair back when she was only big in the Latin American market… Not to mention that Nicole and her may get into a fight to the death as there could be only 1 diva on the island (and I think Shakira would win).

3. Zhang Ziyi – Although she could double as my body guard, has a lot of spirit and is absolutely beautiful, Tommy called her already, and I don’t share well.

4. Catherine Zeta-Jones - (circa 15 years ago) – Hot, and awesome look, but every time I’d look at her, I’d think about Michael Douglas.