I was born too late. You were born too soon.

Choosing celebrity sex partners is tough when you're into fatties.

1. Will Arnett. I'm sorry to break up the happy thing he has with Amy Poehler. BUT. He's my number one now. I think I fell for him during his guest appearance on 30 Rock as a gay man. I just know he's a cuddler. A touch bashful. And hilarious. Do I have to pick two more?




2. Chris Brown. I think it's the eyebrows. Soon everyone on my island will be doing backflips. And sideflips. I hope it's not a problem that he's currently dating Whitney's sex partner, Rihanna. He's so pretty.








3. Jeremy Piven. My internet research just proved he's had some kind of hair surgery. He was much balder at some point. And this is a little risky because he's such an ass on Entourage. Whatever. I think I can fatten him up nicely.





I had other picks, but I decided I deserve decently energetic sex for a few more decades, and they were too old. Otherwise, I would have packed:
1. Chevy Chase, Caddy Shack years. I see Jeremy Piven as a younger version of him. I often get them confused.
2. Paul Newman. I did bring his salad dressing, so that's something.
3. Marlon Brando, circa Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
4. Burt Reynolds in short swim trunks. An excellent reading voice, plenty of chest hair, and one hell of a mustache. Why the hell not? I bet I can sneak him in on another list.
I could go on.

Music

1. The Tragically Hip - Yer Favourites. I know, lame because it's a greatest hits album with 37 tracks, but most of the good stuff is in there (except my favorite live versions). I don't listen to The Hip very often anymore but I've seen them maybe ten times and when I need a fix, nothing else will do. I tried but I couldn't not bring it.



2. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago. Risky because I've only had this album for a few months but I can't seem to shake it. Appropriate because Justin Vernon supposedly wrote it while isolated in a snowy cabin in Northern Wisconsin. And so far I'm the only one here. I really need to nail down my sexy time picks.



3. Blood, Sweat & Tears - And When I Die. Just this one song beat out Neil Diamond - His Twelve Greatest Hits. That's powerful. I have a thing for dramatic tempo swings. On my island, it's what we play when we push the sick and elderly down river in a canoe without provisions.

Don't forget to pack the red Solo cups.

I like beer but I'm not that into it. I just know the beers on my list taste good. My choices are not very versatile, but I have no regrets.

1. Dogfish Head India Brown Ale. I think it's my favorite.

2. New Glarus Spotted Cow. This is a new one for me and probably the only truly refreshing beer on my list. The bubbles!

3. Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA. Intense. A classy way to get drunk fast.

4. Rogue Dead Guy Ale. Also pretty new to me. Tastes like Thursday.

5. I originally had Magic Hat #9 here (Tastes like apricots!) but I am replacing it with Coors Light. I need something to chug, as chugging will play an important role in settling disputes on my island. And I will win. (I own the open cup double beer category.)

This doesn't exclude grass skirts or coconut bras.

1. My blue and white striped bikini. Superfluous? Perhaps. But I want to look hot on my island. So far I am subsisting on spices and condiments alone, so I am well on my way. This particular bikini is kind of sporty, so it would also function as a light sports bra. And as a uniform for beach volleyball, which I have a feeling will work its way onto my island.

2. A pair of jeans. And not some crappy pair from The Gap. Good for hiking through tall grasses, shimmying up trees, and just generally living in. Also, I learned how to turn them into a flotation device at summer camp. So that might be handy. (It was hard to choose jeans over pj pants but pockets trump flannel.)

3. My hiking boots. It would suck to wear them without socks, though. Nevermind. I'll take my Puma 5000ms. After four years they're pretty tired, though. I want a new pair.



Obviously, this was hard for me to write because there are no sweaters on my list. You caught me at a weak moment. I love my sweaters, but it's April so my love is at low tide.

Spice up my life. Please.

[When I woke up this morning, my laptop was open next to me and this list was typed up in Notepad. I wrote it last night post-bar. I vaguely remember the internet being down. I left it as I found it.
This list reveals that I am uncertain about the definition of SPICE.]

My spices.

1. Sea salt. I don't have a favorite brand. I guess I need to spend more time with the Barnebeys. I will keep it in a salt grinder, not in one of those tiny dishes with a tiny spoon because those dispensers get dusty and gross. Wait, I think sea salt is a stupid choice if I will be surrounded by (presumably) salted water. Scratch the sea salt. I will harvest it. Is sea water iodized? Am I going to have goiters? Fuck.

1. Fresh garlic. Is this a spice? I know it's spicy. I eat a lot of raw garlic. I don't think I smell weird. I don't think garlic counts. It's a food.

1. Okay, how about cayenne pepper? Actually that would be a bad choice because I already choice RedHot (cayenne pepper sauce) as a condiment and I could probably just reverse engineer that stuff.

1. Cinnamon. This one's a keeper. I will be making pies. Rolling out the dough Boxcar Children style with a glass bottle (of basalamic vinagerette, one of my condiments).

2. Pepper. In a grinder. I like it on fresh greens. Will come in handy if I have to graze on wild grasses.

3. Is Smartfood popcorn powder a spice? I could really go for some of that right now.

3.

Condiments

There is a pattern to the condiment choices so far. I wish I was about to share something crazy, but I'm not.

1. RedHot. I'm from the greater Buffalo-Niagara region and it's how hot wings are made. I'm not eating meat right now, but it's tasty on eggs and pizza and most other things.

2. Stone ground mustard. I don't have a brand favorite but I like when it comes in a little round jar. I think those jars would come in handy on the island. I could build a glass hut with mustard mortar.

3. Balsamic vinaigrette. Probably Newman's Own. Not because it's the best, but because I'll want to gaze on his face during hard times. Good on anything RedHot isn't. And it has antiseptic properties. Well, it stings on papercuts at least.

For a while guacamole made the list, but if I eat it with a spoon it's a food, right?