Saturday, July 12, 2008

I was born too late. You were born too soon.

Choosing celebrity sex partners is tough when you're into fatties.

1. Will Arnett. I'm sorry to break up the happy thing he has with Amy Poehler. BUT. He's my number one now. I think I fell for him during his guest appearance on 30 Rock as a gay man. I just know he's a cuddler. A touch bashful. And hilarious. Do I have to pick two more?

2. Chris Brown. I think it's the eyebrows. Soon everyone on my island will be doing backflips. And sideflips. I hope it's not a problem that he's currently dating Whitney's sex partner, Rihanna. He's so pretty.

3. Jeremy Piven. My internet research just proved he's had some kind of hair surgery. He was much balder at some point. And this is a little risky because he's such an ass on Entourage. Whatever. I think I can fatten him up nicely.

I had other picks, but I decided I deserve decently energetic sex for a few more decades, and they were too old. Otherwise, I would have packed:
1. Chevy Chase, Caddy Shack years. I see Jeremy Piven as a younger version of him. I often get them confused.
2. Paul Newman. I did bring his salad dressing, so that's something.
3. Marlon Brando, circa Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
4. Burt Reynolds in short swim trunks. An excellent reading voice, plenty of chest hair, and one hell of a mustache. Why the hell not? I bet I can sneak him in on another list.
I could go on.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Rackets, not Rings

I thought for a while about choosing the Olympics for my event, mainly because of the variety you'd get. I wasn't completely sure if I had to make a choice between the summer and winter games, but if so, I'd obviously go for summer (even though this would mean missing Joanna's future appearances in the biathlon). Then I decided this was lame, and I didn't want to wait 4 years between installments. But then I couldn't think of anything better. Until I thought of Wimbledon, which I do think is better. It's yearly, lasts for a fortnight, and for some reason I really enjoy watching tennis.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Narrow it down to three? I once tried during a blizzard-y 2.5 hour ride from Madison to a Joanne Fabrics in the greater Milwaukee area and couldn't do it; but I'll try for the sake of my first Desert Island Post.

1. Departed DiCaprio: I love all DiCaprios (even the one in the one in the Iron Mask) but there is no one (and I repeat) no one I'd rather share a hammock with that this very specific Leonardo. Already scruffy, no family -- he'd have only me to share his demons with. We could comfort one another in our time of need (and our time of sexy).

2. Christian Bale: Sweet baby batman I love this guy. He could make friends with all the actual bats on the island (you know, the millions that will swoop out of the very cave you want to get down and dirty in) and train them to find all the leftover Dharma Initiative candy bars, bookshelves, and VW Buses.

3. Taylor Kitsch: So predictable, I know. A Tim Riggins addiction does not just disappear overnight. After watching a few episodes of Intervention this evening, I realized I'm a prime candidate to find friends and family pleading with me to seek help or they'll cut me out of their lives. I can't help it. He wouldn't need to worry about washing his hair, he'd probably bring booze, and we can play catch on the beach. He's definitely not going to college in season 3 of FNL so it's not like I'd be interrupting any of his other plans.

I guess I picked three characters instead of three actual men -- sorry. As far as real humans are concerned, here are two skilled humans ready for sexy time:

1. Michael Phelps - best swimmer EVER.
2. Ozzy Lusth - best Survivor EVER.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


This is difficult...what music am I never going to get tired of? Can I cheat and not choose Chris Isaak because he's already on my island?

Choice #1: Ryan Adams, Gold. I could listen to this album forever. It's just great ambiance music. I think Ryan Adams is an asshole, but he does make damn fine music.

Choice #2: Brian Setzer Orchestra, The Dirty Boogie. I need something upbeat and fun.

Choice #3: Most difficult choice - do I go with dance/pop music or rock? These days I feel like I tend to put on dance/pop music more often in the car to get me going and pep me up...but deep down my heart strings are tied to 80s hair band fake metal rock n' roll. So I choose Bon Jovi, Cross Roads.

Yes, I cheated. Chris is on my island and I will utilize his talent for more music...better yet, live music. Plus, NO WAY I could possibly choose just ONE Chris Isaak album to bring with.

I heart football

I didn't really have a tough time with this one... If I could only get one event sent to me to watch it would be the Superbowl.

I love football and it is one of the key reasons that I love fall. mmmm, chili, sweaters, raking and football.

I grew up with my mother watching the Bears and yelling at the TV. You will find me now yelling at the Packers in my own living room.

When the Packers lost last season to the Giants I wandered about all day Monday with my heart dented. It was so sad.
The good news is that I love to watch all teams play football and the Superbowl is entertaining from beginning to end.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

sexy time - or, how I never fucked anyone besides these three men for the rest of my life

***addendum below***

WB and I have discussed the criteria for this topic in great detail. I started out on the same train of thought as Darcy:
what other tasks can these men bring to my island? Who cares about the sex?
But, then, I was converted to the camp of:
This is important, these are the last three men I am ever going to sleep with.
I also think there is a minimum expectation of sleeping with these men once per month. If they provide additional services, cool, but the primary expectation is sex.

1) Anthony Bourdain - a world class chef who has a show on the Travel Channel, No Reservations. Every time it comes on I get squishy inside.
Here is a video of him slamming TV chefs:

you can tell from his sarcasm and biting wit why we would get along. He would also be in charge of cooking on the island.

2) Bear Grylls - the host of Man vs Wild. Was involved in some controversy regarding whether he stayed in a Motel 6 during filming for one of the shows. The truth, whatever it is, doesn't take away from his sexyness or the fact that he was the youngest person to ever reach the summit of Everest.
Bear will be in charge of boar defense and hunting on the island.

I fear that Bear will be a bit too intense for me all the time. I like intensity, just an equal amount of downtime. So, my number 3 is going to be someone a bit more laid back. I don't know who he is yet though. I need to think on it.
Addendum- I finally picked number 3!!!
here is what was going through my head while choosing - I like a sexy voice... I like good kissers... I am not against a good dancer... I want someone who will have some chill time with me... I don't like anyone that is too pretty...

Then I was watching SNL the other night and there he was - my third guy is Usher...

honorable mentions:
1) Rick - but everyone agreed that people we know in real life aren't allowed.
2) LT of the Chargers - hard worker, nice guy, what a cutie - didn't make it because I don't want one of those ex-football cripples on my island, that sport is tough on their bodies
3) Matt Lauer - mmmm. cute, intelligent and a good dad.

Be boppin round the island...

My choices for music were dictated by the following, in order:

1) albums that I wouldn't get sick of -they had to have stood the test of time already - no need to take a chance on some new CD that I am listening to a lot..
2) the mood that they generate or soothe in me - I needed a variety as there will be good times and bad on the island.
The choices:
1) Tom Petty Wildflowers - this can be the default playlist.
For all the angry times. Why am I on this god-forsaken island?!? Why won't my sexytime men stop talking and build me a better hut? Metallica's S&M album.
Special note: some people are angry at Metallica. I won't have to deal with those people on my island.

And for all the other times - Carole King's Tapestry.

Albums that almost made it and I would like to give a special shout out to:
a) Dixie Chicks -Taking the Long Way
b) Mary Chapin Carpenter - Come On Come On
c) Eagles - Greatest Hits I
d) Morphine - pretty much any CD although Cure For Pain and Like Swimming are probably the best choices
e) Pixies - Wave of Mutiliation (Greatest Hits)
f) Prince - The Hits
g) Garth Brooks - The Hits
h) Bob Seger and Silver Bullet Band - Greatest Hits
I don't think that Greatest Hits CDs are cheating at all.