Saturday, August 30, 2008

Make it Work

Tim Gunn would host my reality island feeds. Reasons include,
(1) I think he'll keep me motivated with constructive criticism
(2) Together we can design some fabulous sportswear made only from island materials.
(3) I'm pretty certain he is capable of being completely catty once the cameras are off. I'll need someone good to be catty with to survive.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Hosting my island

I don't want any one too swarmy nicey (Julie Chen, I might be talking about you), or too calm and collected (Tom Brokaw, this means you are out)

If Anthony Bourdain wasn't already on the island, he would have been my pick. But, hey, we are busy actually doing our island things, he can't narrate. That would be like asking you to introduce yourself, odd.

I want my host to be kind of catty and sarcastic. I think that Kat Von D would be a good pick, but after some thought I am going with Gwen Stefani.

I have no idea if she has any hosting skills at all, but dude, she would be so fun to hang out with.
She had better not be nice though...
I do have to tell you, it was hard to figure out which Gwen was coming - Marilyn style Gwen or Ska style Gwen.
I think she will be allowed to change with her mood. When Metallica is playing on the island, she will go Ska style. When we are more low key, she will bust out some classy shit.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Talking Heads: Quick Response

1. I need a voice of reason, someone who I can really trust; enter Alfred Pennyworth [Michael Caine]. He is the obvious choice to keep both Batman and myself on the straight and narrow. Since Batman/Bruce Wayne [Christian Bale] will already be spooning with me, Alfred won't even have to quit his day job. Yes, I may ask for a martini now and again, but ideally I'll be looking for words of wisdom via flashback-type dream sequences. I'll remember back to a time in which he advised, "it is best not to cry until the milk is actually spilled" and I'll immediately know the right path to take.

2. Stacey and Clinton! Every season (yes my tropical paradise has four of them, though all rather similar) these two will storm the island, put me in the 360 degree mirror and make me throw away all my grass skirts. In exchange, I'll get a new wardrobe based on rules set by their fashion prowess and witty banter. Based on their teachings, I can instruct fellow castaways in proper coconut bra and loincloth technique.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Talking Heads

Sure, our islands are being populated in 1's, 3's, and 5's with our hearts greatest desires. But that doesn't mean we're not going to be faced with a multitude of challenging situations of both moral and strategic nature. As such we'll need advice from time to time. Years of mediocre TV teach us that this most often comes in the form of voices that only the leading character (that's you!) can hear. Not only can you choose the 2 voices you wish to be advised by; you also get to choose the method by which they communicate. Why 2? Because it's our first even number, and too much advice is annoying.

1. The Professor from Gilligan's Island: Gadgets. I love 'em, and I won't be able to build them on my own. The Professor's expertise in working with bamboo, coconut, and vine will be invaluable during our construction of bunk beds, ipods, island themed stemware, and a dishwasher. The Professor will appear to me as a disembodied head over my left shoulder letting him observe construction and offer advice as needed.

2. Benjamin Franklin: Franklin will be able to provide advice on all manner of things. What's the best way to go about starting a library? Do I need to install a lightning rod? How can I get Heidi and Gabrielle to stop bickering? I'll expect witty, prescient answers to all of these and more. Big Ben will appear to me in the night sky à la The Lion King, which will be dramatic and slightly scary.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Host of the Gross

Once Katie snapped up Cat Deeley my choice became obvious. Seacrest is too much of a little bitch and while he might be fun to have around to beat up every once in a while I don't really want him on my island. It was hard to pass up Layla Kayleigh and her mixed African, European, and Middle Eastern background, but I really just wouldn't be able to handle that name every day for the rest of my life. And that leaves Joe Rogan. He's not hot or British but I do look forward to him egging us on to new and more exciting heights. I expect he'll drink most of my Coors Light, hit on my women, and spout a fair amount of his conspiracy theories; I'm OK with that as long as it means we get good pre- and post- beach volleyball interviews.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Host with the Most

CHALLENGE: Which television/radio personality are you bringing to commentate your desert island reality? This person will serve as both a companion and a mediator between you and your world-wide audience.

My pick: Cat Deeley

We share a common passion for dance (we would awkwardly do it while talking about our favorite contestants/routines on So You Think You Can Dance), she is an English disc jockey so she'd be amazing at Musical Catchphrase, and her kind nature and warm sense of humor would be exceptionally welcome on my island. I really want to french braid her great hair, too.