Saturday, July 12, 2008

I was born too late. You were born too soon.

Choosing celebrity sex partners is tough when you're into fatties.

1. Will Arnett. I'm sorry to break up the happy thing he has with Amy Poehler. BUT. He's my number one now. I think I fell for him during his guest appearance on 30 Rock as a gay man. I just know he's a cuddler. A touch bashful. And hilarious. Do I have to pick two more?

2. Chris Brown. I think it's the eyebrows. Soon everyone on my island will be doing backflips. And sideflips. I hope it's not a problem that he's currently dating Whitney's sex partner, Rihanna. He's so pretty.

3. Jeremy Piven. My internet research just proved he's had some kind of hair surgery. He was much balder at some point. And this is a little risky because he's such an ass on Entourage. Whatever. I think I can fatten him up nicely.

I had other picks, but I decided I deserve decently energetic sex for a few more decades, and they were too old. Otherwise, I would have packed:
1. Chevy Chase, Caddy Shack years. I see Jeremy Piven as a younger version of him. I often get them confused.
2. Paul Newman. I did bring his salad dressing, so that's something.
3. Marlon Brando, circa Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
4. Burt Reynolds in short swim trunks. An excellent reading voice, plenty of chest hair, and one hell of a mustache. Why the hell not? I bet I can sneak him in on another list.
I could go on.


wb said...

I've thought a lot about your Chris Brown pick. I'm OK with it, even though I realize this may have dire consequences when we engage in inter-island competition. During these periods Rihanna will not be trusted. As long as Seal doesn't make an appearance I think I'm OK though.

wb said...

I'm no longer OK with it.