Crosstown Rivals

Everybody needs an enemy in their life. A little yin to their yang, the Mr. Pibb to their Dr Pepper®, the why? to their I don't know; a nemesis to make it worth getting out of bed in the morning. Like Lisa once said, even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow. So who/what's living on the other side of your island, disrupting your intramural volleyball schedule, stealing from your coconut cache in the night, thwarting your attempts to organize Tiki Tuesdays, and generally giving purpose to your interminable island incarceration?

I've got one word for you: Webster. And then 5 more words for you: That Bear on The Square. We took a disliking to each other immediately upon meeting back in '04—he scowled down at me from his smug little stool like he was the cock of the walk, and I punched him in the face. Things haven't changed much in the last 5 years, he's still wearing his little hats and I'm still trying to knock his pimp ship back down to size.

Think that picking a stuffed bear as an island adversary is a cop-out? Wrong. And actually, I'm embarrassed for you. It should be obvious by now that the laws of nature are suspended on isolated islands: time travel, phantom lighthouses, coconut-based electronics, reanimation—anything's possible. That bear could be undead, all-powerful, or part frog the minute it sets paw onto my island. And don't act like a omnipotent, sexually mobile, zombie-bear doesn't scare you.

Deserted Typography

Chances are you haven't been thinking too much about the writing and/or printing that'll be needed on your desert island. Big mistake. What's going to happen when you want to send out your annual holiday newsletter to all the other islands letting them know what you've been up to all year? I know I'll want that paragraph detailing how Heidi has really come into her own as a expert coconut harvester to look professional. But I'll need something much less formal for our Official Beach Volleyball Scorebook. And what about general purpose signage around the island? It will be important to write my 'DO NOT ENTER, OTTER BREEDING GROUND' and 'WARNING: FALLING COCONUTS' signs in clear, attention-grabbing type.

My 4 typefaces:

Andale Mono

I have a strange attachment to Andale Mono. I think it mostly stems from Telnet use at Rochester, but I also just really like a good monospaced font. AM will be used for all official island business including, but not limited to, Beach Volleyball scoring, otter naming records, map legends /labels, and intra-island memos.

Distinctive feature(s): that zero with a dot inside, très officiel.


Rockwell

Rockwell will be our goto signage option. It will warn us of rocks, cliffs, sleeper waves, and extra high UV indices.

Distinctive feature(s): understated serifs for increased impact, its whimsical Q tail.


Modern No. 20

This little ditty will be perfect for our aforementioned island newsletters, or for when we finally get our quarterly poetry anthology– Islands in the Stanza, up and running. I really like its thin straight serifs and retro-ish feel. It will lend an approachable, yet distinguished air to our publications.

Distinctive feature(s): the jaunty 2 and the double line of the dollar sign, which is my preferred number of dollar sign lines.


WW2 Blackltr Alt

I had to include something gothic because we'll need it for labeling Ye bamboo huts, Ye Olde Tiki Bar, and the gangplanks. And you just can't do that with Helvetica. I don't remember where I found this font but I like it for its appropriate amount of Olde English flair, I think Robin Hood not Beowulf.

Distinctive feature(s): are you getting a load of that punctuation‽ They're all pretty brazen, but I'll be using the ampersand and № as often as possible.

[UPDATE: also distinctive, the Nazi Eagle (SHIFT+OPTION+?). I'm assuming that's the WW2 reference, but still pretty disturbing when typed unintentionally.]

P.s. - Did you know that there is both a Whitney typeface and a Joanna typeface?

Don't Forget to Tip...

So you're stuck on a desert island. You've got some spices, a couple of condiments, and whatever your island happens to be overrun with. And of course there's the fruits of the seas. But what about when you get home from a long day of building sandcastles and playing beach volleyball? The last thing you're going to want to do is build another fire to roast another wild boar. Luckily your island's inside the delivery radius of 3, but only 3, take-out joints. Where are you going to order from?

Mexican: Maybe not the most stereotypical delivery food, but there's no way I'd be able to survive without some enchiladas, or crispy fish tacos, or a spicy burrito packed with muchos quesos every now and again. I really hope they deliver breakfast.

Ed's Pizza House: The cheesesteaks, the hoagies, the pizzas, and the cheese fries of my childhood. 

Thai: I almost said Indian. I'm sorry for doubting your importance to me Thai cuisine. Your spicy coconut milk concoctions and big chewy noodles will be a bright spot in my already amazing island lifestyle. Plus, I think over time I can figure out how to make a respectable tikka masala of my own.

BABY OTTERS!

 

I thought about tiger cubs, hedgehogs, and guinea pigs (cute and tasty!) but the obvious choice is baby otters. Not only are they adorable and cuddley, they're good fishers. After a morning of hand holding, my armada of otter pups will take to the sea for me. This will not only give me some much needed alone time with Rihanna, Heidi, and Gabby, but also provide us with a plentiful supply of mulloscs, fishes, and urchins.

Now think about Heidi Klum holding a fluffy baby otter. On a scale of 1-10 how jealous are you?

P.s.
Runner-up: baby pandas.

KITTENS!

animals to overrun your island

One animal overruns your island, what will you pick?


Note: no one has posted any options lately and we should all be ashamed

Make it Work

Tim Gunn would host my reality island feeds. Reasons include,
(1) I think he'll keep me motivated with constructive criticism
(2) Together we can design some fabulous sportswear made only from island materials.
(3) I'm pretty certain he is capable of being completely catty once the cameras are off. I'll need someone good to be catty with to survive.

Hosting my island

I don't want any one too swarmy nicey (Julie Chen, I might be talking about you), or too calm and collected (Tom Brokaw, this means you are out)

If Anthony Bourdain wasn't already on the island, he would have been my pick. But, hey, we are busy actually doing our island things, he can't narrate. That would be like asking you to introduce yourself, odd.

I want my host to be kind of catty and sarcastic. I think that Kat Von D would be a good pick, but after some thought I am going with Gwen Stefani.

I have no idea if she has any hosting skills at all, but dude, she would be so fun to hang out with.

She had better not be nice though...

I do have to tell you, it was hard to figure out which Gwen was coming - Marilyn style Gwen or Ska style Gwen.

I think she will be allowed to change with her mood. When Metallica is playing on the island, she will go Ska style. When we are more low key, she will bust out some classy shit.

Talking Heads: Quick Response

1. I need a voice of reason, someone who I can really trust; enter Alfred Pennyworth [Michael Caine]. He is the obvious choice to keep both Batman and myself on the straight and narrow. Since Batman/Bruce Wayne [Christian Bale] will already be spooning with me, Alfred won't even have to quit his day job. Yes, I may ask for a martini now and again, but ideally I'll be looking for words of wisdom via flashback-type dream sequences. I'll remember back to a time in which he advised, "it is best not to cry until the milk is actually spilled" and I'll immediately know the right path to take.

2. Stacey and Clinton! Every season (yes my tropical paradise has four of them, though all rather similar) these two will storm the island, put me in the 360 degree mirror and make me throw away all my grass skirts. In exchange, I'll get a new wardrobe based on rules set by their fashion prowess and witty banter. Based on their teachings, I can instruct fellow castaways in proper coconut bra and loincloth technique.

Talking Heads

Sure, our islands are being populated in 1's, 3's, and 5's with our hearts greatest desires. But that doesn't mean we're not going to be faced with a multitude of challenging situations of both moral and strategic nature. As such we'll need advice from time to time. Years of mediocre TV teach us that this most often comes in the form of voices that only the leading character (that's you!) can hear. Not only can you choose the 2 voices you wish to be advised by; you also get to choose the method by which they communicate. Why 2? Because it's our first even number, and too much advice is annoying.

1. The Professor from Gilligan's Island: Gadgets. I love 'em, and I won't be able to build them on my own. The Professor's expertise in working with bamboo, coconut, and vine will be invaluable during our construction of bunk beds, ipods, island themed stemware, and a dishwasher. The Professor will appear to me as a disembodied head over my left shoulder letting him observe construction and offer advice as needed.

2. Benjamin Franklin: Franklin will be able to provide advice on all manner of things. What's the best way to go about starting a library? Do I need to install a lightning rod? How can I get Heidi and Gabrielle to stop bickering? I'll expect witty, prescient answers to all of these and more. Big Ben will appear to me in the night sky à la The Lion King, which will be dramatic and slightly scary.

Host of the Gross

Once Katie snapped up Cat Deeley my choice became obvious. Seacrest is too much of a little bitch and while he might be fun to have around to beat up every once in a while I don't really want him on my island. It was hard to pass up Layla Kayleigh and her mixed African, European, and Middle Eastern background, but I really just wouldn't be able to handle that name every day for the rest of my life. And that leaves Joe Rogan. He's not hot or British but I do look forward to him egging us on to new and more exciting heights. I expect he'll drink most of my Coors Light, hit on my women, and spout a fair amount of his conspiracy theories; I'm OK with that as long as it means we get good pre- and post- beach volleyball interviews.

Host with the Most

CHALLENGE: Which television/radio personality are you bringing to commentate your desert island reality? This person will serve as both a companion and a mediator between you and your world-wide audience.

My pick: Cat Deeley

We share a common passion for dance (we would awkwardly do it while talking about our favorite contestants/routines on So You Think You Can Dance), she is an English disc jockey so she'd be amazing at Musical Catchphrase, and her kind nature and warm sense of humor would be exceptionally welcome on my island. I really want to french braid her great hair, too.

I was born too late. You were born too soon.

Choosing celebrity sex partners is tough when you're into fatties.

1. Will Arnett. I'm sorry to break up the happy thing he has with Amy Poehler. BUT. He's my number one now. I think I fell for him during his guest appearance on 30 Rock as a gay man. I just know he's a cuddler. A touch bashful. And hilarious. Do I have to pick two more?




2. Chris Brown. I think it's the eyebrows. Soon everyone on my island will be doing backflips. And sideflips. I hope it's not a problem that he's currently dating Whitney's sex partner, Rihanna. He's so pretty.








3. Jeremy Piven. My internet research just proved he's had some kind of hair surgery. He was much balder at some point. And this is a little risky because he's such an ass on Entourage. Whatever. I think I can fatten him up nicely.





I had other picks, but I decided I deserve decently energetic sex for a few more decades, and they were too old. Otherwise, I would have packed:
1. Chevy Chase, Caddy Shack years. I see Jeremy Piven as a younger version of him. I often get them confused.
2. Paul Newman. I did bring his salad dressing, so that's something.
3. Marlon Brando, circa Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
4. Burt Reynolds in short swim trunks. An excellent reading voice, plenty of chest hair, and one hell of a mustache. Why the hell not? I bet I can sneak him in on another list.
I could go on.

Rackets, not Rings

I thought for a while about choosing the Olympics for my event, mainly because of the variety you'd get. I wasn't completely sure if I had to make a choice between the summer and winter games, but if so, I'd obviously go for summer (even though this would mean missing Joanna's future appearances in the biathlon). Then I decided this was lame, and I didn't want to wait 4 years between installments. But then I couldn't think of anything better. Until I thought of Wimbledon, which I do think is better. It's yearly, lasts for a fortnight, and for some reason I really enjoy watching tennis.

SEXYtime.

Narrow it down to three? I once tried during a blizzard-y 2.5 hour ride from Madison to a Joanne Fabrics in the greater Milwaukee area and couldn't do it; but I'll try for the sake of my first Desert Island Post.


1. Departed DiCaprio: I love all DiCaprios (even the one in the one in the Iron Mask) but there is no one (and I repeat) no one I'd rather share a hammock with that this very specific Leonardo. Already scruffy, no family -- he'd have only me to share his demons with. We could comfort one another in our time of need (and our time of sexy).














2. Christian Bale: Sweet baby batman I love this guy. He could make friends with all the actual bats on the island (you know, the millions that will swoop out of the very cave you want to get down and dirty in) and train them to find all the leftover Dharma Initiative candy bars, bookshelves, and VW Buses.

3. Taylor Kitsch: So predictable, I know. A Tim Riggins addiction does not just disappear overnight. After watching a few episodes of Intervention this evening, I realized I'm a prime candidate to find friends and family pleading with me to seek help or they'll cut me out of their lives. I can't help it. He wouldn't need to worry about washing his hair, he'd probably bring booze, and we can play catch on the beach. He's definitely not going to college in season 3 of FNL so it's not like I'd be interrupting any of his other plans.

I guess I picked three characters instead of three actual men -- sorry. As far as real humans are concerned, here are two skilled humans ready for sexy time:

1. Michael Phelps - best swimmer EVER.
2. Ozzy Lusth - best Survivor EVER.

iTunes

This is difficult...what music am I never going to get tired of? Can I cheat and not choose Chris Isaak because he's already on my island?

Choice #1: Ryan Adams, Gold. I could listen to this album forever. It's just great ambiance music. I think Ryan Adams is an asshole, but he does make damn fine music.


Choice #2: Brian Setzer Orchestra, The Dirty Boogie. I need something upbeat and fun.


Choice #3: Most difficult choice - do I go with dance/pop music or rock? These days I feel like I tend to put on dance/pop music more often in the car to get me going and pep me up...but deep down my heart strings are tied to 80s hair band fake metal rock n' roll. So I choose Bon Jovi, Cross Roads.


Yes, I cheated. Chris is on my island and I will utilize his talent for more music...better yet, live music. Plus, NO WAY I could possibly choose just ONE Chris Isaak album to bring with.

I heart football

I didn't really have a tough time with this one... If I could only get one event sent to me to watch it would be the Superbowl.

I love football and it is one of the key reasons that I love fall. mmmm, chili, sweaters, raking and football.

I grew up with my mother watching the Bears and yelling at the TV. You will find me now yelling at the Packers in my own living room.

When the Packers lost last season to the Giants I wandered about all day Monday with my heart dented. It was so sad.

The good news is that I love to watch all teams play football and the Superbowl is entertaining from beginning to end.

sexy time - or, how I never fucked anyone besides these three men for the rest of my life

***addendum below***

WB and I have discussed the criteria for this topic in great detail. I started out on the same train of thought as Darcy:
what other tasks can these men bring to my island? Who cares about the sex?
But, then, I was converted to the camp of:
This is important, these are the last three men I am ever going to sleep with.
I also think there is a minimum expectation of sleeping with these men once per month. If they provide additional services, cool, but the primary expectation is sex.


1) Anthony Bourdain - a world class chef who has a show on the Travel Channel, No Reservations. Every time it comes on I get squishy inside.
Here is a video of him slamming TV chefs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzG0PdiDJcI

you can tell from his sarcasm and biting wit why we would get along. He would also be in charge of cooking on the island.

2) Bear Grylls - the host of Man vs Wild. Was involved in some controversy regarding whether he stayed in a Motel 6 during filming for one of the shows. The truth, whatever it is, doesn't take away from his sexyness or the fact that he was the youngest person to ever reach the summit of Everest.
Bear will be in charge of boar defense and hunting on the island.

I fear that Bear will be a bit too intense for me all the time. I like intensity, just an equal amount of downtime. So, my number 3 is going to be someone a bit more laid back. I don't know who he is yet though. I need to think on it.
Addendum- I finally picked number 3!!!
here is what was going through my head while choosing - I like a sexy voice... I like good kissers... I am not against a good dancer... I want someone who will have some chill time with me... I don't like anyone that is too pretty...

Then I was watching SNL the other night and there he was - my third guy is Usher...
yum.

honorable mentions:
1) Rick - but everyone agreed that people we know in real life aren't allowed.
2) LT of the Chargers - hard worker, nice guy, what a cutie - didn't make it because I don't want one of those ex-football cripples on my island, that sport is tough on their bodies
3) Matt Lauer - mmmm. cute, intelligent and a good dad.

Be boppin round the island...

My choices for music were dictated by the following, in order:

1) albums that I wouldn't get sick of -they had to have stood the test of time already - no need to take a chance on some new CD that I am listening to a lot..
2) the mood that they generate or soothe in me - I needed a variety as there will be good times and bad on the island.
The choices:
1) Tom Petty Wildflowers - this can be the default playlist.
For all the angry times. Why am I on this god-forsaken island?!? Why won't my sexytime men stop talking and build me a better hut? Metallica's S&M album.
Special note: some people are angry at Metallica. I won't have to deal with those people on my island.

And for all the other times - Carole King's Tapestry.

Albums that almost made it and I would like to give a special shout out to:

a) Dixie Chicks -Taking the Long Way

b) Mary Chapin Carpenter - Come On Come On

c) Eagles - Greatest Hits I

d) Morphine - pretty much any CD although Cure For Pain and Like Swimming are probably the best choices

e) Pixies - Wave of Mutiliation (Greatest Hits)

f) Prince - The Hits

g) Garth Brooks - The Hits

h) Bob Seger and Silver Bullet Band - Greatest Hits

I don't think that Greatest Hits CDs are cheating at all.

Main Event...

This took me quite a while. On one hand, I didn't want to qualify my choice. If I would have, my choice was going to be Game 7, World Series, Wrigley Field. Cubs win the World Series. Followed by me crying for about a week, in a drunken, elated stupor. But that's probably against the rules.

For someone who watches a lot of movies, and will actually be studying film for the next 2+ years, it may be odd that I refuse to watch the Oscars. I just don't care for them. They rarely nominate the best performances/films, and I couldn't care less about the fashion. Plus I absolutely hate Ryan Seacrest and Joan Rivers. There are also the MTV Movie/Video awards and the Grammys, but I haven't watched those in years, as they grew increasingly boring and became extended promotions for a new film starring Will Smith.

That said, my choice is the....

The World Cup
Anything that invites drunken hooliganism is my kind of party. I don't even watch soccer, and haven't played since grade school gym class. (Although Whitney, myself, his brother and a few others did watch the last final, and agreed to do a new shot for every goal. It ended 1-1, which was disappointing, but then we decided to extended the rule into penalty kicks. And that went to something like 9-8. It was a rough Sunday.)

Plus you'd meet so many people, and catch a glimpse of many cultures, without having endure shitty bus-rides or food you're not sure is actually dead. In addition, I could pick a team (not the US), and learn their cheers, and befriend their hooligans, and maybe get adopted. I'd be the token American. How often does that happen?!Maybe Paraguay will have me!