Crosstown Rivals

Everybody needs an enemy in their life. A little yin to their yang, the Mr. Pibb to their Dr Pepper®, the why? to their I don't know; a nemesis to make it worth getting out of bed in the morning. Like Lisa once said, even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow. So who/what's living on the other side of your island, disrupting your intramural volleyball schedule, stealing from your coconut cache in the night, thwarting your attempts to organize Tiki Tuesdays, and generally giving purpose to your interminable island incarceration?

I've got one word for you: Webster. And then 5 more words for you: That Bear on The Square. We took a disliking to each other immediately upon meeting back in '04—he scowled down at me from his smug little stool like he was the cock of the walk, and I punched him in the face. Things haven't changed much in the last 5 years, he's still wearing his little hats and I'm still trying to knock his pimp ship back down to size.

Think that picking a stuffed bear as an island adversary is a cop-out? Wrong. And actually, I'm embarrassed for you. It should be obvious by now that the laws of nature are suspended on isolated islands: time travel, phantom lighthouses, coconut-based electronics, reanimation—anything's possible. That bear could be undead, all-powerful, or part frog the minute it sets paw onto my island. And don't act like a omnipotent, sexually mobile, zombie-bear doesn't scare you.

Deserted Typography

Chances are you haven't been thinking too much about the writing and/or printing that'll be needed on your desert island. Big mistake. What's going to happen when you want to send out your annual holiday newsletter to all the other islands letting them know what you've been up to all year? I know I'll want that paragraph detailing how Heidi has really come into her own as a expert coconut harvester to look professional. But I'll need something much less formal for our Official Beach Volleyball Scorebook. And what about general purpose signage around the island? It will be important to write my 'DO NOT ENTER, OTTER BREEDING GROUND' and 'WARNING: FALLING COCONUTS' signs in clear, attention-grabbing type.

My 4 typefaces:

Andale Mono

I have a strange attachment to Andale Mono. I think it mostly stems from Telnet use at Rochester, but I also just really like a good monospaced font. AM will be used for all official island business including, but not limited to, Beach Volleyball scoring, otter naming records, map legends /labels, and intra-island memos.

Distinctive feature(s): that zero with a dot inside, très officiel.


Rockwell

Rockwell will be our goto signage option. It will warn us of rocks, cliffs, sleeper waves, and extra high UV indices.

Distinctive feature(s): understated serifs for increased impact, its whimsical Q tail.


Modern No. 20

This little ditty will be perfect for our aforementioned island newsletters, or for when we finally get our quarterly poetry anthology– Islands in the Stanza, up and running. I really like its thin straight serifs and retro-ish feel. It will lend an approachable, yet distinguished air to our publications.

Distinctive feature(s): the jaunty 2 and the double line of the dollar sign, which is my preferred number of dollar sign lines.


WW2 Blackltr Alt

I had to include something gothic because we'll need it for labeling Ye bamboo huts, Ye Olde Tiki Bar, and the gangplanks. And you just can't do that with Helvetica. I don't remember where I found this font but I like it for its appropriate amount of Olde English flair, I think Robin Hood not Beowulf.

Distinctive feature(s): are you getting a load of that punctuation‽ They're all pretty brazen, but I'll be using the ampersand and № as often as possible.

[UPDATE: also distinctive, the Nazi Eagle (SHIFT+OPTION+?). I'm assuming that's the WW2 reference, but still pretty disturbing when typed unintentionally.]

P.s. - Did you know that there is both a Whitney typeface and a Joanna typeface?

Don't Forget to Tip...

So you're stuck on a desert island. You've got some spices, a couple of condiments, and whatever your island happens to be overrun with. And of course there's the fruits of the seas. But what about when you get home from a long day of building sandcastles and playing beach volleyball? The last thing you're going to want to do is build another fire to roast another wild boar. Luckily your island's inside the delivery radius of 3, but only 3, take-out joints. Where are you going to order from?

Mexican: Maybe not the most stereotypical delivery food, but there's no way I'd be able to survive without some enchiladas, or crispy fish tacos, or a spicy burrito packed with muchos quesos every now and again. I really hope they deliver breakfast.

Ed's Pizza House: The cheesesteaks, the hoagies, the pizzas, and the cheese fries of my childhood. 

Thai: I almost said Indian. I'm sorry for doubting your importance to me Thai cuisine. Your spicy coconut milk concoctions and big chewy noodles will be a bright spot in my already amazing island lifestyle. Plus, I think over time I can figure out how to make a respectable tikka masala of my own.

BABY OTTERS!

 

I thought about tiger cubs, hedgehogs, and guinea pigs (cute and tasty!) but the obvious choice is baby otters. Not only are they adorable and cuddley, they're good fishers. After a morning of hand holding, my armada of otter pups will take to the sea for me. This will not only give me some much needed alone time with Rihanna, Heidi, and Gabby, but also provide us with a plentiful supply of mulloscs, fishes, and urchins.

Now think about Heidi Klum holding a fluffy baby otter. On a scale of 1-10 how jealous are you?

P.s.
Runner-up: baby pandas.

KITTENS!

animals to overrun your island

One animal overruns your island, what will you pick?


Note: no one has posted any options lately and we should all be ashamed

Make it Work

Tim Gunn would host my reality island feeds. Reasons include,
(1) I think he'll keep me motivated with constructive criticism
(2) Together we can design some fabulous sportswear made only from island materials.
(3) I'm pretty certain he is capable of being completely catty once the cameras are off. I'll need someone good to be catty with to survive.